The most difficult thing I've done in my career

This June will be my eight year anniversary in the military. I've deployed, gone TDY, performed details around base, made friends, met the love of my life, witnessed plenty of retirements and change of commands, and attended military memorials for members I've never met but wanted to pay my respects. The toughest thing I've had to do in my career thus far happened this past Thursday. Even harder than being deployed away from Genie when she was a baby because I knew that I would see her at the end of the rotation.

I had to listen to taps being played for a friend.

One of the biggest cons of being in the military is having to leave all the great friends and people you've met during an assignment to move to another base. Pope AFB was my first assignment and has been my best assignment so far. The camaraderie of the 41st airlift squadron was strong, even with our high deployment tempo. As much as deploying away from loved ones is something no one really wants to do, I saw it as another rotation for the squadron to grow tighter as we all got to know each other more during those trips to the sandbox.

Todd Brunkhorst was a butter bar when I first met him. He was brand new to the squadron and like all other aircrew that came in, I inprocessed him. He had this excited, happy-go-lucky attitude about him and anyone could tell that he was anxious to get his training started. I didn't quite understand it until I talked to him during his first deployment that he had always wanted to be an Air Force pilot. Todd was always smiling, I can't recall ever seeing him upset, angry, or even sad. He knew how to get people to crack a smile even when they weren't in the mood to.

Going to the memorial for him this past Thursday was.... unreal. I couldn't believe that it was the reason I was seeing him again, seeing his wife, Maryanna again. She was also in our squadron at Pope and I'm glad I got to witness the beginning of their relationship.

I found out the both of them were out here in California and we tried to get together but of course, busy schedules make it difficult for friends to get together. The next time I tried to get together with him was when he told me that he had a brain tumor. I was in shock. I told him that it would be OK, that Dan's mom was a two time brain cancer survivor. He was still in good spirits about it and told me he'd let me know when he'd be out of the hospital. The last time we contacted each other, he didn't want me to visit him in the hospital and I left it at that. Let him know I was thinking and praying for him and waited for him to let me know when we could get together.

I found out from a friend on Sunday that he had lost his fight. I couldn't believe it and went to visit his facebook page. Sure enough, people were starting to share memories and post how much they missed him. I still couldn't really believe it. On Tuesday I went to lunch with Nick Torres, a fellow Black cat (our squadron mascot from the 41st) who is at Travis with me and we talked about Brunkie. He had told me about talking to Maryanna and that there would be a memorial on Thursday for him. Of course I was going to be there. As much as part of me didn't want to go because I knew I wouldn't be able to contain my emotions (pregnant or not), I needed to be there for Maryanna.

Words can't describe the emotions and thoughts that ran through me as I made my way up to Beale AFB two days ago. I didn't know what to expect when I got there. It still didn't hit me that he was gone, part of me was struggling to convince the other part that he was in the hospital and that I'd wake up from the dream shortly. I finally arrived at the chapel and waited in line to sign the guest book. I could hear soft music playing as I walked through the door. Nick greeted me and we walked towards the front and sat three rows away from Maryanna and Todd's mom and brothers. I remember after taking my seat at the end of the aisle and putting my hat down I looked up to see the slide show that was playing and being shocked that Todd's casket was there. I was in no way prepared to see it and lost it. I tried burying my face in my hands, stifling my cries. Nick told me that there was a tissue box next to my chair (they were thoughtful enough to put tissue boxes next to each row) and as I reached down to get it, a flyer had actually got up from his seat to hand it to me.

When the service started, there were songs sung, music played, memories shared, and the flag presentation. The flag that was draped over Todd's coffin was folder and presented to Maryanna by his squadron commander. That was the last time I cried during that portion of the memorial, I think I went through about 20 tissues while we were inside. After that, we were invited to go outside for the remainder of the service- 21 gun salute and the playing of taps. I wanted to stay inside. Hearing taps is the saddest thing for any military member. After we were all outside and in place, the base honor guard team started the 21 gun salute. All that was going through my head was to choke back the tears (as much as I knew it wasn't going to help any), and then they sounded off taps. I tried my best to hold my salute even though all I wanted to do was hide my face in my hands again.

That was it. I attended a military memorial for someone I knew, someone I worked with and deployed with. He had full military honors and he deserved it. He would've been so proud.

We miss you, Brunkie. I know you're up there, back in the herc where you started your career as a pilot. I'm sure you're making everyone smile, playing pranks and doing 3 engine landings. Rest in Peace.